Last night at Connect group we were talking about being/becoming the woman God created us to be and what that women ‘looks’ like as in what characteristics (faith, trust, courage, etc) and what stops us from becoming that women...
I realised that God has created me to be so much more than I allow myself to be...there are three things that stop us from stepping out they are the choices we make, how we see ourselves and the devil...I would also add to these three how we perceive other people see us...often this perception is quite wrong but can be quite crippling.
And so my fourth sign post is to address these things and to actively walk the journey to becoming the women God has for me to be...
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Sign Posts
God has been speaking to me this week and its been both confronting and challenging...Our old pastor called these realated msgs sign posts and i am beginning to see why...
what are they about...they are about my trusting God and the choices i make...i think my journey in this area is just begining...and the scariest thing is i cant go to one of my theological texts and read some amazing scholars views...i have to 'feel' this and go through it myself...
The first one was during the sermon on sunday and the speaker asked if we trusted that God is big enough to carry our burdens and do we trust that he is big enough to be God in our lives...i have haad to face the reality that i dont think i do trust God to carry all my hurts and for the most part have taken them all back...
The second was something Pete said to me (i hope its ok to blog this pete?)...without giving the context of it all he said this...
"A guy in supernatural (the TV show - his name is sam) was speaking to a guy who was turning into a daemon monster and eating people and he said...
"It doesn't matter what we are, what counts is the choices we make"
I was thinking of you and your issues, not that I really know what they are, and not that it's really important.We all have things about ourselves that we think or feel are monsterous, or ugly, or undesirable and make us feel ashamed. We start to lose when rather than making the choices, we focus on our fears and those things about us that we are ashamed of.
"There is nothing from without the person, that going into them can defile them; but the things which proceed out of a person are those that defile them"
We are judged (or should be) by the choices we make, not who we are. The beauty of this is that it is never too late to take control. It's never too late to start making the right choices.That was part of Jesus' message. We are not judged by our wealth, position, righteousness, beauty or lack of, health or lake of, intelligence or lack of, but rather by the choices we choose."
The Third was a song i was listening to on a cd i have had for ages but never listened to it b4 yesterday...the song is called History and its by Matthew West...I will put all the lyrics below but the ones that screamed at me where the one about choices and history being the past...
Its been a bad day, you've been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes, a world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
I know it's hard to believe
Let me refresh your memory
Chorus:
Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So leave it all behind you
Let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history
You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way
Repeat chorus
Yeah Yeah
Would you believe that you are history
In the making, in the making
Every choice that you are making
Every step that you are taking
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
History is in the making
History is in the making
Repeat chorus
Yeah yeah
Oh history is in the making
Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
History is in the making
History is in the making
what are they about...they are about my trusting God and the choices i make...i think my journey in this area is just begining...and the scariest thing is i cant go to one of my theological texts and read some amazing scholars views...i have to 'feel' this and go through it myself...
The first one was during the sermon on sunday and the speaker asked if we trusted that God is big enough to carry our burdens and do we trust that he is big enough to be God in our lives...i have haad to face the reality that i dont think i do trust God to carry all my hurts and for the most part have taken them all back...
The second was something Pete said to me (i hope its ok to blog this pete?)...without giving the context of it all he said this...
"A guy in supernatural (the TV show - his name is sam) was speaking to a guy who was turning into a daemon monster and eating people and he said...
"It doesn't matter what we are, what counts is the choices we make"
I was thinking of you and your issues, not that I really know what they are, and not that it's really important.We all have things about ourselves that we think or feel are monsterous, or ugly, or undesirable and make us feel ashamed. We start to lose when rather than making the choices, we focus on our fears and those things about us that we are ashamed of.
"There is nothing from without the person, that going into them can defile them; but the things which proceed out of a person are those that defile them"
We are judged (or should be) by the choices we make, not who we are. The beauty of this is that it is never too late to take control. It's never too late to start making the right choices.That was part of Jesus' message. We are not judged by our wealth, position, righteousness, beauty or lack of, health or lake of, intelligence or lack of, but rather by the choices we choose."
The Third was a song i was listening to on a cd i have had for ages but never listened to it b4 yesterday...the song is called History and its by Matthew West...I will put all the lyrics below but the ones that screamed at me where the one about choices and history being the past...
Its been a bad day, you've been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes, a world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
I know it's hard to believe
Let me refresh your memory
Chorus:
Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So leave it all behind you
Let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history
You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way
Repeat chorus
Yeah Yeah
Would you believe that you are history
In the making, in the making
Every choice that you are making
Every step that you are taking
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
History is in the making
History is in the making
Repeat chorus
Yeah yeah
Oh history is in the making
Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
History is in the making
History is in the making
Monday, October 20, 2008
a new book...
i know i said i had a blog brewing about the cross but a new book has captured my attention and im reading it first...its called 'Is God Intolerant?' and is written my Daniel Taylor.
I have pondered this subject before, and done a lil reading on it when i was at college and as stands i would conservativly answer in the affirmative...yes God is intolerant.
He has to be...intolerant of sin and the human condition but i think it sits along side his perfect love and grace...
i have only read the introduction so far but am enjoying the book. One comment has caught my attention though and it is this...'God does not call us to be tolerant, he calls us to love.'
Makes me think of abortion and how aweful that is...and those dumb christians who stand outside clinics with banners and yell at the women going inside...it makes me soooo mad that they do that....we dont have to tolerate what happens in this world but we DO have to LOVE...why not get along side these women and support and care for them...be love instead of judgment...
hmmm interesting...cant wait to read the rest...
I have pondered this subject before, and done a lil reading on it when i was at college and as stands i would conservativly answer in the affirmative...yes God is intolerant.
He has to be...intolerant of sin and the human condition but i think it sits along side his perfect love and grace...
i have only read the introduction so far but am enjoying the book. One comment has caught my attention though and it is this...'God does not call us to be tolerant, he calls us to love.'
Makes me think of abortion and how aweful that is...and those dumb christians who stand outside clinics with banners and yell at the women going inside...it makes me soooo mad that they do that....we dont have to tolerate what happens in this world but we DO have to LOVE...why not get along side these women and support and care for them...be love instead of judgment...
hmmm interesting...cant wait to read the rest...
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Psalm 139
For the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20 For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.[c]
21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
For the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20 For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.[c]
21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Some wise words from Superchick to break through my mood...
Crawl
How long will this take
How much can I go through
My heart, my soul aches
I don`t know what to do
I bend but don`t break
And somehow I`ll get through
Cause I have you
Chorus
And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too?
I stumble and fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is you
See me through
Oh Lord where are you
Oh Lord where are you
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears
When all have left
And hope has disappeared
You find me here
Bridge
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but you have not
When I am lost you have not lost me
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but you have not
When I am lost you have not lost me
You have not lost me
Stand in the Rain
She never slows down
She doesn’t know why
But she knows that when she’s all alone
It feels like it’s all coming down
She won’t turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries that first tear
The tears will not stop raining down
Chorus:
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fear’s whispering
If she stands, she’ll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from
Wants to give up and lie down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
How long will this take
How much can I go through
My heart, my soul aches
I don`t know what to do
I bend but don`t break
And somehow I`ll get through
Cause I have you
Chorus
And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too?
I stumble and fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is you
See me through
Oh Lord where are you
Oh Lord where are you
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears
When all have left
And hope has disappeared
You find me here
Bridge
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but you have not
When I am lost you have not lost me
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but you have not
When I am lost you have not lost me
You have not lost me
Stand in the Rain
She never slows down
She doesn’t know why
But she knows that when she’s all alone
It feels like it’s all coming down
She won’t turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries that first tear
The tears will not stop raining down
Chorus:
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fear’s whispering
If she stands, she’ll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from
Wants to give up and lie down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
In my melencholy mood i think pink floyd captured the feeling so nicly...comfortably numb...
Hello.Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear youre feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.Just a little pinprick. [ping]
Therell be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. good.
Thatll keep you going for the show.
Come on its time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
Hello.Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear youre feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.Just a little pinprick. [ping]
Therell be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. good.
Thatll keep you going for the show.
Come on its time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
All I Need...
Do you know where your heart is
Do you think you can find it
Did you trade it for something, somewhere
Better just to have it
Do you know where your love is
Do you think that you lost it
You felt it so strong but nothings
Turned out how you want it
Well bless my soul
You’re a lonely soul
Cause you wont let go
Of anything you hold
Well all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Do you know what your fate is
And are you trying to shake it
You’re doing your best and
You’re best look
You’re praying that you’ll make it
Well bless my soul
You’re a lonely soul
Cause you wont let go
Of anything you hold
Well all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Better than you have it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Better than you have it
Better than you have it
Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Do you know where the end is
Do you think you can see it
Until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say…
Do you think you can find it
Did you trade it for something, somewhere
Better just to have it
Do you know where your love is
Do you think that you lost it
You felt it so strong but nothings
Turned out how you want it
Well bless my soul
You’re a lonely soul
Cause you wont let go
Of anything you hold
Well all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Do you know what your fate is
And are you trying to shake it
You’re doing your best and
You’re best look
You’re praying that you’ll make it
Well bless my soul
You’re a lonely soul
Cause you wont let go
Of anything you hold
Well all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Better than you have it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Better than you have it
Better than you have it
Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Do you know where the end is
Do you think you can see it
Until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say…
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Obedience
Recently I started reading about the cross (of Christ) from the OT perspective. I have a blog about it but what struck me as I was reading was a different subject and one I want to write about first. It’s the topic of obedience. I read a chapter about Abraham and Gen 22.
Abraham was an amazing man. An obedient man. And I think there is a lot to be learnt from his walk and obedience that can help with our walk and obedience to God. To find out how ‘genuine’ Abrahams faith was God put him to the test. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his beloved son. And Abraham is unwaveringly obedient.
Derek Tidball speaks on the subject specifically from Gen 22:3-10 as follows...
His Obedience was prompt. ‘Early the next morning’ He didn’t wait for the ‘right time’ and he didn’t delay hoping God would change His mind, Abraham resolutely set his mind and got to the task early the very next morning. Henry Law observes that ‘prompt obedience is the surest wisdom...to linger is to court ruin. Delay is the craftiest net of Satan. It is the terrible pitfall, out of which there are rare escapes.’
His Obedience was conscientious. He had a plan and took with him all the things he would need to bring the task to fruition.
His Obedience was firm. The place God instructed Abraham to go sacrifice Isaac was 3 days travel away. Abraham remained firm in his resolution. ‘Obedience was not accomplished overnight.’ It would have taken a steady, sure determination.
His Obedience was solitary. Once they reached the foot of the mountain, apart from Isaac, Abraham went on alone. Calvin explains the solitariness of the test in terms of ‘his family was three days away and his servants were at the bottom of a steep mountain. He had to work this out on his own, neither supported nor dissuaded by any human companions.’ The road at times will for various reasons be walked alone, it is in these times our strength is found.
His Obedience was trusting. ‘Even when Abraham did not understand all, he trusted all to the God who would do right.’ Calvin says ‘being indubitably persuaded that God was faithful, he left the unknown issue to Divine Providence.’ We are finite and will at times never understand the plan and will of God and will need to blindly trust Him JUST because He is who He is.
His Obedience was humble. ‘Abraham made the unqualified statement, ‘we will worship...’ a statement that speaks of his submissive heart and rings all the more authentic because it was spoken by one who was wounded by the cost of his obedience.’
His Obedience was total. ‘Not even his precious son was to come between him and his complete, unwavering obedience to the Lord.’ Isaac was Abrahams most precious gift/love/possession, he was the promised son in whom the promises of God would be fulfilled and yet Abrahams heart was totally sold out for God, not even this promised son could take Gods place.
Conclusions
‘One purpose of the story, as mentioned earlier, was probably to teach Israel that the sort of worship that pleased God was obedience to His word rather than the ritual offering of sacrifices regardless of whether the rest of the law was obeyed or not.’
God was looking for a trusting obedience. I believe He is still looking for this kind of obedience. In the life and actions of Abraham we have a great example. It is my opinion that Abrahams obedience was made possible by his faith. Faith in God brings a strength and purpose to life in which we can have the strength to obediently follow Him knowing He has our very best at heart.
FB Meyer states ‘mighty opportunities of good -- lie along the narrow, thorn-set path of obedience to the word and will of God.’
Abraham was an amazing man. An obedient man. And I think there is a lot to be learnt from his walk and obedience that can help with our walk and obedience to God. To find out how ‘genuine’ Abrahams faith was God put him to the test. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his beloved son. And Abraham is unwaveringly obedient.
Derek Tidball speaks on the subject specifically from Gen 22:3-10 as follows...
His Obedience was prompt. ‘Early the next morning’ He didn’t wait for the ‘right time’ and he didn’t delay hoping God would change His mind, Abraham resolutely set his mind and got to the task early the very next morning. Henry Law observes that ‘prompt obedience is the surest wisdom...to linger is to court ruin. Delay is the craftiest net of Satan. It is the terrible pitfall, out of which there are rare escapes.’
His Obedience was conscientious. He had a plan and took with him all the things he would need to bring the task to fruition.
His Obedience was firm. The place God instructed Abraham to go sacrifice Isaac was 3 days travel away. Abraham remained firm in his resolution. ‘Obedience was not accomplished overnight.’ It would have taken a steady, sure determination.
His Obedience was solitary. Once they reached the foot of the mountain, apart from Isaac, Abraham went on alone. Calvin explains the solitariness of the test in terms of ‘his family was three days away and his servants were at the bottom of a steep mountain. He had to work this out on his own, neither supported nor dissuaded by any human companions.’ The road at times will for various reasons be walked alone, it is in these times our strength is found.
His Obedience was trusting. ‘Even when Abraham did not understand all, he trusted all to the God who would do right.’ Calvin says ‘being indubitably persuaded that God was faithful, he left the unknown issue to Divine Providence.’ We are finite and will at times never understand the plan and will of God and will need to blindly trust Him JUST because He is who He is.
His Obedience was humble. ‘Abraham made the unqualified statement, ‘we will worship...’ a statement that speaks of his submissive heart and rings all the more authentic because it was spoken by one who was wounded by the cost of his obedience.’
His Obedience was total. ‘Not even his precious son was to come between him and his complete, unwavering obedience to the Lord.’ Isaac was Abrahams most precious gift/love/possession, he was the promised son in whom the promises of God would be fulfilled and yet Abrahams heart was totally sold out for God, not even this promised son could take Gods place.
Conclusions
‘One purpose of the story, as mentioned earlier, was probably to teach Israel that the sort of worship that pleased God was obedience to His word rather than the ritual offering of sacrifices regardless of whether the rest of the law was obeyed or not.’
God was looking for a trusting obedience. I believe He is still looking for this kind of obedience. In the life and actions of Abraham we have a great example. It is my opinion that Abrahams obedience was made possible by his faith. Faith in God brings a strength and purpose to life in which we can have the strength to obediently follow Him knowing He has our very best at heart.
FB Meyer states ‘mighty opportunities of good -- lie along the narrow, thorn-set path of obedience to the word and will of God.’
Even if these arnt true they are sooo funny...
I got these in an email today and cracked up...thanks Tan :)
Embarrasing medical exams
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have herbaby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticedthat there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX ...
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderlyand slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall."Big breaths,"I instructed."Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife thather husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.Not more thanfive minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family thathe had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with hiscardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having troublewith one of his medications."Which one?" I asked."The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm runningout of places to put it!"I had him quickly undress, and discoveredwhat I hoped I wouldn't see.Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch beforeapplying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"After a look of complete confusion, sheanswered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband wasalive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast thismorning?""It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.I can't seemto get used to the taste," the patient replied.I then asked to see thejelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety oftattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.It was quicklydetermined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.When she was completely disrobed on theoperating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyedgreen, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on thepatient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN, no name
AND FINALLY!!!............
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quiteembarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.To cover myembarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burstout laughing and further embarrassing me.I looked up from my work andsheepishly said, "I'm sorry.Was I tickling you?"She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an OscarMeyer Wiener."Doctor wouldn't submit his name(Can't blame him!
Embarrasing medical exams
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have herbaby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticedthat there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX ...
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderlyand slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall."Big breaths,"I instructed."Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife thather husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.Not more thanfive minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family thathe had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with hiscardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having troublewith one of his medications."Which one?" I asked."The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm runningout of places to put it!"I had him quickly undress, and discoveredwhat I hoped I wouldn't see.Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch beforeapplying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"After a look of complete confusion, sheanswered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband wasalive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast thismorning?""It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.I can't seemto get used to the taste," the patient replied.I then asked to see thejelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety oftattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.It was quicklydetermined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.When she was completely disrobed on theoperating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyedgreen, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on thepatient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN, no name
AND FINALLY!!!............
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quiteembarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.To cover myembarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burstout laughing and further embarrassing me.I looked up from my work andsheepishly said, "I'm sorry.Was I tickling you?"She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an OscarMeyer Wiener."Doctor wouldn't submit his name(Can't blame him!
Friday, October 3, 2008
You Can Get Arrested For That?
America is so silly sometimes...
http://www.randomhouse.com/crown/youcangetarrestedforthat/index.html
http://www.randomhouse.com/crown/youcangetarrestedforthat/index.html
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