Heart Sore

I don’t understand why I’m so heart sore...or do I...I actually think I have a pretty good grasp on the why...it just won’t filter down to my heart...

There are so many awesome things going on right now and I am happy and yet underneath I am heart sore. At the moment I feel like its washing over me and pulling me down...truth be told I think deep down I know the remedy...the remedy is allowing hope to flourish.

Last week when telling someone about my week and giving prayer points I described my life at present as quite calm...I had said I felt like everything was going well and it felt happy and like I was sitting in the calm of the storm...you know that moment before a storm hits when everything is calm and at peace...I was happy with work, friends, and life in general. I felt blessed that we had found an awesome house and were moving, I felt like things at school were turning around and I was making some kind of positive impact and in general I just felt blessed...
And so maybe that’s it...here’s the next storm...but this storm doesn’t seem to go away...it just recedes for a while then comes back worse than the time before.

The storm is loneliness...I’m tired of being alone...and yet I have almost convinced myself I should start accepting that I will be alone forever...which not only sucks but cuts me at my very core. And because of this I don’t let myself hope or pray for that special someone to come along cos I don’t want to set myself up for the possible fall when it never happens...so this is my struggle...pain now or pain later and what is the effect on me and my future...

Pain now, is accepting I will always be alone and living with that reality and walking through the storms of loneliness as they come...

Pain later, letting myself hope and dream for a husband and children and sometime down the track feeling the pain of unrealised hopes and dreams...

Right now I just reread what I wrote and I don’t want anyone to think that I’m really sad and depressed and upset and down and whatever cos I’m not...this is just one aspect of my life...and I do love my life, I love my friends, I love my church, I love my fellowship group, I love my family and I love my work... This is just one struggle I face that is becoming annoying...

Anyways I had to get it out...I’m at school and trying to listen to the kids share their heartbreaking stories while mine was hurting for myself was killing me...but I feel better for typing it out and will now go back to listening to the kids...